Phantom Planet
by CSI1983
Summary: After an argument between Sara and Grissom, Grissom becomes involved in a car wreak.
1. Chapter 1

**Phantom Planet**

Chapter One – Learn To Crawl 

She had been sitting beside him for six weeks now and there was no change. Sara blamed herself for what happened. She knew that he was too tired to drive but they had a fight and she just wanted him to go, to leave her be. And he did. So now he was stuck in a hospital bed, his legs broken, his spine fractured, his mind lost somewhere that she could not reach. She was to blame, she was the one that drove him to this, she was the one that put him onto the brink of life and death. Perhaps it was because of this that she felt so protective. She didn't even allow the nurses to give him a bed bath, she insisted on doing it herself, learning through blood, sweat and tears the best way to avoid getting his casts wet. She talked to him constantly, reading chapter after chapter from his beloved books, reading newspapers and old case files. The rest of the team were constantly coming in and out but it was Sara who stayed, it was Sara who made sure that the man she loved didn't wake up without her there beside him.

Catherine had been watching from the sidelines, watching as Sara faded before her eyes. And there was nothing she could do. Sara had lost so much weight, she was tired and worn and Catherine could see that every day had traced lines over the younger woman's face. Catherine had managed to get her away from Grissom every couple of days, making her go and shower and eat something. But that was it. She remained the same, sitting, her back straight, always talking, always holding his hand. She also knew that Sara blamed herself for the car crash, even though Catherine had explained the details the best she could from Brass's report. A drunk driver, a tired Grissom and a loose sheet of gravel caused this mess, not Sara. But the stubborn woman refused to believe and continued her visual beside his bed, waiting to apologize for what she had done, for the last words that she had said. Catherine also knew something that she had yet to tell Sara. The doctors were not sure that Grissom would even be able to pull through this and if he did wake up, there were only a small number of possibilities. He could be paralyzed, could have serious brain damage or worse still, could not remember them at all. What would happen to them if he did die? Catherine was not an overly emotional person but she knew who her family was, she knew who had her back time after time when she fell. It was Grissom. He was there for her through everything, the death of Eddie and her father; he was right by her side, keeping her as sane as possible. Now it was her turn to return the favor, even if it meant looking after the woman he loved, making sure she didn't destroy herself in looking after him.

When Grissom woke up, the first thing he noticed was the pain in his throat and chest. He tried to move but found that he could not lift a finger, let alone an arm. He moaned as loud as he could, his mouth forced open by the tube he could feel with his tongue and throat. Through his blurry eyes he could see Sara, her face looming over his. He tried to say something, tried to say that none of this way her fault, that he loved and her and that everything was going to be ok. But he couldn't. All he could was moan. She left his field of vision and he resumed his ceiling examination, he could move his neck no more then an inch or so to the left and right. What the hell had happened? Another face appeared above him, this one he didn't recognize. An older woman with dark red hair and a kind smile.

"Mr. Grissom, you were in a car accident. You have a tube down your throat to help you breathe. I'm going to take it out and you may find it difficult to breathe at first but you need to remember to take slow breathes. Blink once if you understand what I am saying"

Grissom did as he was told, blinking just once. He wanted nothing more then to get that damn thing from his throat. He needed to talk to Sara. The nurse undid the tape that kept the tube in place; she got a firm grip, close to his mouth, her breath minty as she leaned over him.

"Ok Mr. Grissom, cough as hard as you can and remember to breathe slowly. 1,2,3"

He coughed as hard as he could, his eyes filling with tears as the tube scrapped the tender flesh of his throat. When it was finally out, it took a moment before he could breathe normally, trying to ignore the panicked urge that made him want to gasp lung fills of air. The nurse gave him a smile.

"I'll get the doctor."

She left his side, Sara replacing her as soon as she could.

"God Grissom, you had me worried. I love you and I'm sorry for what happened."

She was crying now, her face against his chest. He could do nothing as she sobbed, could not speak and could not move. When was someone going to tell him why he could not move?

"Mr. Grissom, welcome back. Let's get you sitting up shall we?"

As soon as the bed started moving a ferocious pain tore through his back and he screamed out as bright lights popped and zipped into his line of vision. The pain left him breathless and dizzy and it took a few minutes for it to fade and for the world to become aligned again.

"What happened to me?"

He could hardly believe that it was his voice that reached his ears, it was scratchy and tired sounding.

"Mr. Grissom, I'm John Mitchell, your doctor. You were in a pretty serious car accident and you have suffered numerous injuries, including two broken arms."

Now that he was sitting Grissom could see the casts clearly and he felt marginally relieved. That explained why he could not move.

"You also suffered a severe spinal injury"

"Then why am I sitting up?"

"Because you've been in a coma for a month and a half Mr. Grissom, the bone has healed itself. We needed to wait until you woke up before we checked the damage to your spinal cord."

"I've been unconscious for six weeks?"

"Yes. Considering the pain you should have been in, it's properly the best thing that could have happened. Do you have any pain right now?"

"Yes, but its fading."

"I'll get Amanda here to set you up with a morphine pump, then you will be able to medicate yourself. Right now, I suggest we get you something small to eat, say a jell-o cup and some ice chips. I'll be back in the morning to see how you are doing."

He waved over his shoulder before leaving the room, Amanda following close behind him. Sara came to his side again and he studied her. She looked exhausted, her hair was longer and it had tangled itself around her shoulders. She had large bags under her eyes and her face was so pale. She looked like a fragile, porcelain doll.

"You didn't leave my side, did you?"

"Yes. I even chased the nurses out of the room to give you a bed bath. After a week, they just handed me the sponges and bowl. I needed to be here when you woke up."

"Why?"

"To say sorry. This entire mess was my fault."

"How in the world is a car crash your fault?"

"You were too tired to drive, I should have driven you home. Instead, we fought over something so stupid I can't even remember what it was now, and then you drove off. Next time I saw you, you were covered in blood and barely breathing."

"I'm sorry I scared you like that. I don't remember anything beyond work that night. What happened?"

"Drunk driver, loose gravel and you. Not a very good combination apparently."

"So what have you been doing while I've been sleeping?"

"Reading you the paper, chapters from your books and old case files. Nothing much really"

"You need to go home and sleep. I'm ok now"

"I don't want to leave you."

"Sara Sidle, I order you to go home and sleep."

Sara leant down and kissed him on the lips, her hands stroking his face.

"I'll be back later tonight."

"I know you will be. I love you."

"Love you too."

She gave him one last kiss before taking her coat from the back of the chair and walking out of the room. He tried to decide what to do but his body made the decision for him. Even after weeks of sleeping, he still felt exhausted. He would have found it funny but he was asleep before the thought had even been fully processed.

When Sara arrived back at the hospital a few hours later, Grissom was not in need of any more company. Catherine, Warrick, Nick, Greg and Brass all flanked his bed, trying to talk quietly but it wasn't working. She could hear them laughing and cracking jokes from the furthest end of the hall. She gave the room a quick glance before continuing to the cafeteria. She settled for a coffee, which was only slightly better then the brew that they had at work, and a vegetarian roll. It had been a long time since she had tasted food, let alone felt the need for it, but the roll looked good and with Grissom waking up, her appetite had returned. She ate her meal quickly before returning to Grissom's room, hoping to catch him alone. She crashed into Catherine who was on her way out.

"Hey Sara, how are you holding up?"

"Better. I thought I would grab a bite to eat while you guys kept him occupied."

Catherine laughed before putting on her coat.

"He's looking much better. I have to go I need to pick Lindsey up from moms. Call me if you need anything."

"Thanks Cath."

"You're welcome."

Sara watched her go before entering Grissom's room. He looked much happier then he had when she had left him. His room was now filled with flowers, balloons and large amounts of fruit.

"Hey Gil, how are you feeling?"

"Much better. You? Have you had some rest and something to eat?"

"Yes. Don't worry about me ok? I can look after myself."

Grissom gave her a battered smile. He felt better every time he saw her.

"So I thought that I'll read you the paper, catch you up with some of the latest cases we've had."

"Sounds like fun"

"It always is."

When Sara returned the following day, she arrived just in time for the doctor to make an appearance. The rest of the team was standing in the hall, grim looks on their faces.

"What's up?"

Catherine moved forward, her hand landing on Sara's arm.

"You need to be in there."

Sara frowned before moving forward into the room.

"What's going on?"

"Miss Sidle – "

"Sara, call me Sara."

"Sara, we've just finished getting results back from the tests we preformed."

"About Gil's spine?"

"Yes. And the news is not as good as we hoped."

Sara moved closer to Grissom, her hand coming to rest on his shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

"He has some severe damage to his spinal cord."

"Which means?"

"That Grissom may remain as he is now, paralyzed from the waist down."

Sara choked down her sobs and screams that threatened to take her over. She was not going to break down in front of him.

"What does this mean? Could he walk again?"

"Would you both stop talking about me as if I'm not in the room? Talk to me not over me."

"Sorry Gil."

"What it means Sara is that the chances of him walking are slim, if any at all."

Sara glanced at Grissom who sat sedately, as if this was not news to him at all. Had he felt it, had he known that he was not going to walk? How could he just sit there like that? Knowing that his life was never going to be the same again?

"Gil, please say something"

"What would you like me to say Sara? That I'm fine with all this? Well I'm not I just need a moment to process what it means."

"So do I."

Sara turned on her heel and went running from the room. She stopped in her tracks when she met the eyes of the rest of the team. The room suddenly began to spin and she blacked out, her knees crumbling beneath her.

When she came to, her head hurt and an I.V was in her arm. Catherine was sitting beside her, reading an old forensics magazine, her glasses perched at the end of her nose. She looked up as Sara began to move in the stiff hospital bed.

"Hey sleepy head, you almost gave yourself a concussion."

"What happened?"

"You blacked out. Greg caught you before you hit the floor. Doctor said it was dehydration and poor nutrition. Translation: You are not eating and drinking properly."

Sara sank back into her bed and began to cry. Long drawn out sobs, a combination of grief and exhaustion. She didn't want this kind of future, and yet here it was. She loved Grissom, she really did but she knew that from here on in, life wasn't going to be the same. Catherine took Sara's hand, holding it in her own. She had nothing to say, could say nothing as Sara grieved over her shattered future.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two – Fractured

Grissom suffered in silence. He had been the same when he had been going deaf, ignoring the feelings of isolation and self-pity. And he refused to give into those feelings now. As soon as he was discharged from the hospital, in his new wheelchair, it was only when he arrived at his house that he realized just how much he was taking on. How was he going to overcome the steps that lead to his home, the ones that had never really bothered him before? Warrick, who had taken it on himself to bring his boss home, didn't even blink when he asked a question that Grissom thought he would never hear.

"Do you want me to carry you?"

"I'm too heavy."

"You've lost half your body weight while you were in hospital. I think I could manage."

Grissom couldn't bring himself to agree with Warrick, just let the younger man scoop him up easily in his arms. He took the steps slowly, one at a time before somehow managing to unlock the door and placing Grissom on the sofa.

"I'll get a ramp put into for you. That way we don't have to do this again"

He turned on his heel and went and got Grissom's wheelchair and bags, bumping them roughly up the steps. He put the bags in Grissom's room, having a quick look around. Last time he had been here, about a year ago now, he had wondered into the room by accident and had been stunned by the bareness of it. Grissom obviously had little time to do more then sleep and change in this room. It was amazing just how much it had transformed with Sara in his life. There were pictures on the walls, ordainments on his dressers and clothes littered the floor. It also held a distinct female scent in the air, the same that Tina had left when they had divorced. Warrick ignored the tug of nostalgia and quickly emptied the bag before returning to the living room.

"Do you want anything to eat? Sara stocked the fridge when she found out you were coming home."

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat something Grissom."

"I said I wasn't hungry."

"Alright then, Nick will be here in about six hours to take you to get your casts off. Call us of you need anything."

Grissom watched him leave, feeling like a useless lump on the sofa. It was only then, alone in his home, that he realized that he needed to use the toilet. The doctors had given him a special jug for him to urinate in when it came to these situations but Grissom, as with many other things that he had come across, could not bear the idea of using it. He glanced down at his arms, flexing his fingers and moving his wrists. Surely they were stronger now, strong enough for him to make it to the bathroom. He slipped from the sofa, landing on his rear end. He leaned forward and began to drag himself across the carpet. He was only just past the kitchen when he realized just how hard it would be, his arms were aching, his shoulders screaming and his back was covered in sweat. He took a quick break on the floor, his face pressed into the carpet. His body began to throb with pain but he ignored it. He was going to do this, he needed to prove to himself that he still could do little things like going to the bathroom. Failure was not an option. He gritted his teeth and continued to pull himself across the floor, finally reaching the bathroom. The next obstacle was actually getting on the toilet. Grissom pulled himself into a sitting position, before undoing his pants and somehow finding the energy to pull himself onto the toilet, tugging on the toilet lid as leverage. He spent the next twenty minutes trying to empty his bladder, which refused to listen to his command. How the hell was he supposed to live like this?

When Nick arrived, it was to the unexpected sight of a man he loved and respected sitting on the floor beside the toilet, asleep. The next thing that hit him was the strong smell of urine in the air. Grissom had wet his pants. Nick had had a friend in college that had been paralyzed after a football accident and he knew that when someone was first getting adjusted to this new state of living, accidents happened. But it was different when it was someone you respected so much.

"Grissom, wake up. What are you doing in here?"

Grissom looked around the bathroom, his face pulled into a frown.

"I wanted to use the toilet. But I couldn't and then this happened."

He indicated to his pants, his eyes staying on the floor, not daring to look at Nick. He was a fully grown man, and yet he had somehow managed to wet himself. Nick, all things considered, ignored the shame and pity he felt for his friend and gave him a half smile instead.

"Do you need some help changing your pants?"

"No, I just need my wheelchair."

Nick went and got his wheelchair and took it into the bathroom. He could do nothing but watch as Grissom struggled to get into the chair, his face red with the strain. The determination was coming off of him in waves. Nick wheeled him to his room, placing him as close to the bed as possible before turning to the dresser draws.

"What do you want to wear?"

"I'm not a child Nick, I can dress myself."

"Ok. If you need me, I'll be just outside."

Nick closed the door behind him and sat on the sofa. He could hear Grissom thumping around, but he refused to move from his position. Grissom emerged some time later, looking relatively neat and tidy, dressed in pants and a t-shirt.

"Let's get these damn casts off."

Sara was waiting for them when they got back from the hospital, watching with solemn eyes as Nick lifted Grissom up and took him in the house. Sara pulled the wheelchair up the stairs, following them inside. Nick stood between them before flashing her a quick smile.

"I'll be off now. Give me a call if you need anything."

Sara watched him go before taking a seat beside Grissom, her hand falling on his knee.

"How have you been?"

"Fanfuckingtastic. You?"

"There is no need to be like that Gil. We're trying to help."

"Stop it. I can look after myself you know."

"Gil, stop acting like this. This is not you."

"I don't know if you've noticed this Sara, but thing have changed. I have changed."

"Gil this is not you"

"How do you know? Have you ever lost the use of your legs? Have you ever been so degraded that you have wet your own pants? Don't tell me how to act Sara; you have no idea what this is like."

"Gil, please – "

"I'm sick of being treated like a child. I don't need anyone's help."

"Yes you do. You can't even get up the stairs of your own home. You have a physio session tomorrow morning and I've taken the night off work to spend some time with you."

"No you're not. I don't want you to see me like this."

"Like what, in a wheelchair? I love you Gil, it makes no difference to me. Regardless of what happens, I'm in this for the long haul"

"I don't want this for you Sara. I don't want this for us."

"Well we have it, don't we? I choose to stand by you, to support you and be with you. And I am not taking no for an answer."

"It's not your choice Sara. It's mine. I can't let you stay with me when I'm like this."

"I love you Gil, nothing you say is going to change that. I'm going to make us some dinner. You can sit here feeling sorry for yourself, or you can help me. Your choice."

Sara left the living room, moving into the kitchen. She focused on making them some dinner. She found some pasta, some sauce and garlic bread. She ignored the sound of Grissom's wheels as the squeaked over the lino of the kitchen.

"I'm sorry Sara. I just don't you to feel obligated to be with me."

Sara turned and sat herself across Grissom's lap, her arms around his neck.

"I love you."

Sara leaned forward and kissed him, her body sinking into his. She got up from his lap and started making dinner, Grissom beside her, doing what he could to help.

Grissom woke up to the sound of banging. He pulled himself into the wheelchair and took a quick detour to the bathroom before heading towards the source of the noise at the front of the house. When he opened the front door, he was shocked by what he saw. The entire team was outside, hammering in a long ramp. Sara spotted him first and she gave him a bright smile.

"One less thing for you to worry about."

"I don't know what to say."

Sara came to stand beside him, taking off her working gloves.

"You could come and help me get these guys something to drink. I wanted to talk to you about something anyway."

Grissom allowed her to wheel him back inside and watched as she prepared the glasses to take outside.

"I wanted to ask you something Gil"

"And that would be?"

"Did you manage to go to the toilet this morning?"

"Why?"

"Just answer me ok?"

"No I didn't. Why?"

"Because I thought maybe you could take the doctors advice and get a catheter"

"Sara, I don't want that. I want to be as independent as possible."

"And you are. But this is something else entirely. Remember how the doctor said that there was a chance that you could retain some control. But until then, a catheter may just be the best idea."

Grissom moved away from her, his wheel bumping over her sneakered foot.

"I'm not having this conversation with you."

"Yes you are. And you have to make the choice Grissom. Don't think with you're pride either, think for you. Health wise, this would be the best option."

Grissom kept his back to her, throwing one last comment over his shoulder as he wheeled away.

"You had better take those drinks out. The team looked thirsty."

Sara watched as he pushed himself into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. She thumped the cups onto the bench, ignoring the shattering glass as it tumbled into the sink. She slipped down to the floor, her back pressed against the hard wood of the cupboards, the handles digging into her spine. She wished she knew what she would do, wish she knew what to say to Gil. How are you meant to understand what he was going through when he never spoke to her the way he used too? Where had that Grissom gone? Had he died in the crash that caused her world to fall apart?

"Sara, are you ok? Do you need some help with the drinks?"

Sara stayed where she was, her knees pressed to her chin, her tears leaving hot track marks on her jeans. Catherine took a seat beside her, removing her work gloves and baseball hat.

"What happened?"

"I told Grissom the truth only he didn't like what he heard."

"What did you tell him?"

"That he should get a catheter."  
"Oh"

"He's in the room doing God knows what. Catherine?"

"Hmm?"

"Is it wrong that I want the old Grissom back? The one that made me laugh made me smile and loved me?"

"No. I want the old Grissom back as well. Only he's not coming back and the one we have needs our help, not our judgment"

"I wish I knew what to say, how to act."

"Paralyzed people don't come with a guidebook Sara. You just need to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient. I just want to have Grissom back, my Grissom, not that imposter that is in our room."

"He's not coming back. You know that, I know that."

"I wish Grissom did. Then at least he might not be quite so angry."

"Of course he's angry. He's paralyzed Sara, he's lost everything he was and everything he is. You love him right?"

"Of course I do"

"Then be there for him. That's all you can do, that's all we can do."

Catherine put her arm around Sara, pulling her into a side hug, the kind that she did with Lindsey when she wasn't sure that the teenage girl wanted her that close. Sara on the other hand, knew she needed more. She leaned into the older woman's hug, her face resting on her chest, breathing in the saw dust and sweat that she knew was on her. It had been a long time since she had been hugged by Grissom, and even though this was no where near as good, it was just what she needed.

Grissom often wondered what it would be like to die. Not that he had a tendency for these morbid type thoughts; he just wanted to know what it was like to float free, to be without weight or substance. He wanted to know what it was like not to live. What was it like to not exist? He didn't know if living was an option anymore, if what he was suffering was really worth the fight that he was so used to battling from the other side of the fence. He never really questioned the existence of God, he never had too. He had long ago established his faith, kneeling at the alter of science and all that it meant and contained. But this, this was testing his faith in everything that he had ever believed, science or otherwise. He had never bothered to ask if he had indeed died at the time of the car wreck, but he knew he had. If he had even believed in souls and what they meant, he would truly believe that he had lost a little of his soul at the point of the crash. He felt lost, he wanted to know how to find himself but without knowing what part he had lost, how was he meant to find it? It had more to do with the loss of his legs. It had to do with the fact that he had lost himself and he had no idea how to find himself again.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to die, he just didn't know if he wanted to live. He had everything he could ever hope for. He had Sara, he had a solid group of friends that never turned their backs on him and before the crash, he had been the happiest man alive. Now he was so unhappy and he had no idea where the sadness came from. It was thick, black and all consuming. His soul, his essence, everything about him was gone, had been absorbed into the deep black that had seated itself within his chest. It was amazing just how much one small event could change your life, one simple moment where your attention drifted away from you and suddenly you found yourself in a place you had never been before, a place you never would have thought about seeing. Things were never going to be the same, would never be right again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three – My Standard Break From Life

Grissom wanted to know why she had to sit there and watch him. Every move he made, she watched him closely, as if she could look at nothing else but him. He had yet to tell her exactly what thoughts drifted to and from his mind, the ones that involved him wanting for a moment to take his life away, to get rid of the pain that now dogged his life. When he shaved his beard, he could picture the blade slicing the soft, vulnerable flesh of his throat, watching the blood spill over, hot and slow as it fell down his chest. He could envision the damage to his body if he allowed his wheelchair to tumble from the one of the high cliffs that dotted the Nevada desert. Maybe that was why she watched him. Because she knew the thoughts that dominated his days and nights, the ones that often had him laying in Doc's table, his team crying over his cold, blue body. He had visions of his heart sitting still in his chest, the blood cold and still in his veins.

"Stop watching me."

"I'm not"

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

Grissom spun his wheelchair around to face Sara, prepared for a confrontation.

"You are watching me I can feel your eyes on the back of my head. Why are you watching me?"

Sara shrugged and Grissom could feel the anger rising in him.

"I'm not a child."

"Well then stop acting like one."

"I'm not acting like a child. You don't understand-"

"How can I when you don't talk to me?"

Sara had tried to be reasonable, had tried to give Grissom the benefit of the doubt but she was running out of patience.

"You ignore me, you get angry over nothing and yet you expect me to stick around? I can't live like this Gil."

"Well don't let me stop you from making your own choices Sara. You want to go, go."

Sara shook her head and fought the urge to just leave. What kind of person would she be if she just up and left him when he needed her most? But the temptation to just take what happy memories she had of them together and move on was almost more then she could take.

"As much as I would like to go Gil, I can't. I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself."

"Well then how about I don't give you an option. I want you to go Sara."

"Are you sure? Because you can't take back those words after you say them"

"I'm well aware of that Sara. I want you to go."

"Fine. I won't bother you any more Gil, you want me gone, I'm gone."

Sara ignored the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks, gritting her teeth as she grabbed her handbag and stormed out the door. Her anger got her as far as her car before the tears began to fall. She had tried, she really had, but what was she meant to do? If Gil didn't want her there, then why should she stay?

Brass had seen many things in his life. Police being shot, innocents dying and murders that cost more then the victims were willing to pay. Grissom's situation touched closer to home then he ever thought that it would. Who would have thought that this could happen to someone so close to you? Brass knew that murder was in the same category, that you don't think that it would happen to you, then it happened in the exact way that you dreaded. He didn't have much to do with the entire situation, not because he didn't want to help but because Grissom pushed him away and so Brass stayed away. He continued to watch as one by one, Grissom pushed his friends away. Brass wanted to do something but he wasn't sure what. Then a knock on his door helped him decide. When he opened his front door, Sara was standing there, her face flushed and swollen from crying, her nose running, exhaustion splayed across her face.

"Sara, what are you doing here?"

"I hope you don't mind Brass, I just needed a friendly face."

"Of course I don't mind. What did Gil do now?"

"He just kicked me out."

"Come in, I'll make you a cup of tea and we can talk."

Sara gave him a brief attempt of a smile, one that fell flat on the floor. She moved into his home, dropping her handbag near the sofa before slumping onto one of the hard back chairs in the dining room. Brass set about making the cups of tea, not bothering with small talk. He gave her what he hoped was enough time to collect herself before he launched into twenty questions.

"So what happened?"

"We argued, he told me to leave, I said no, he said he wasn't giving me a choice and then I came here."

"He just needs time Sara."

"He's had time. I understand that this is hard on him but he keeps pushing me away and I can't live like that."

"But you can life like this?"

"No but what choice do I have? He doesn't want me there."

"Where are you staying tonight?"

"At a hotel."

"You can stay here tonight and I'll go and see him."

"Brass, I don't want you to get involved in this."

"Too late. He needs to get back to reality; he needs to realize that this is his life now, as much as he may hate it. I also know that he loves you and he's pushing you away because he doesn't want you to see him like this."

"Like what?"

"Crippled."

"But he's not. He's lost the use of his legs but why would that make a difference to me?"

"He doesn't see it that way. All he sees is his useless legs and the need to live up to the standard that he has set himself."

Sara shook her head and began to cry. She had cried so much in the last few months that it stunned her that her body had not dried out. Brass put an arm around her shoulders and Sara fell into his chest, her shoulders shaking. She didn't want to lose Grissom but what was she meant to do? How was she meant to stand back and watch the man that she loved destroy himself?

He was more then willing to do it at that point. As soon as Sara had stormed out, he had ordered a cab and was now sitting pretty close to one of the Nevada cliff tops, listening to the wind as it whipped past, the birds squawking and fighting over prey. He could really see himself tumbling over the edge, the pain finally leaving his failing body. It was not meant to be like this. He was meant to propose to Sara, that's what he had wanted to do on the night that he had had the crash that much he could remember. He had had the ring since their fourth date; it was the time he realized he didn't want her to be with anyone else. He needed her and he liked to think that she needed him as well. Now he had nothing to offer her. He had already been insecure about them going out, about what she had expected. She had dissolved his fears and he became confident in their relationship and then he had crashed his car. Now all he had to offer her was a mangled body that housed the soul of a broken man. What kind of right did he have to keep her in a relationship? As far as he was concerned, she was better off without him. Maybe she would meet a nice young man that would make her laugh and give her the children that she wasn't sure she wanted. At least that way she could still choose, rather then be racing against the clock like they had been now.

"I think Catherine would be pretty pissed if she had to clean up your crime scene."

Grissom had been so lost in his thoughts that he had never heard Brass arrive at his side, taking a seat on the hard dirt beside him.

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself Jim?"

"Yes, when life gets too much and I don't think I can take anymore."

"Why didn't you go through with it?"

"Because I have too much to live for, like you"

"I have nothing Jim; I don't even have my work."

"You have friends and a girlfriend who loves you."

"How is Sara meant to love me when I am like this?"

"Because she loves you for who you are not the shell that the world can see. It makes no difference to her. You hurt her Gil."

"And I will continue to hurt her if she stays where she is, by my side, ignoring the fact that we can never be as we once were."

"You know better than anyone that life is never as you expected it to be. You just need to be willing to accept what changes and work with it the best way you can."

"I can't just accept this Jim. I am never going to walk again, I am never going to be able to work and I am never going to be as I was."

"Why is that such a bad thing? Maybe this is actually a good thing for you Gil, have you ever thought of it that way?"

"No, because it's bullshit. How is this good? Please explain it too me Jim because I have no idea."

"I can't explain it too you Gil, you need to figure it out for yourself. Follow the evidence; you may be surprised where it leads you."

Brass stood up and walked away. Grissom stayed where he was, his eyes clinging to the jagged cliff tops and swooping birds. He wished he could be as free as they were nothing to worry about except the basic survival instincts. Hunt, feed, mate and stay alive. To them that was all that mattered, no taxes, no relationships and no promises. Nothing but survival, nothing but the wind that threw them high in the air and the peacefulness that came with knowing who you are and why exactly you were here.

When Brass returned home, Sara was asleep on the sofa. He sat on the chair opposite her and wondered what had become of the woman he admired so much. The Sara he knew would never have stood for anyone's crap, but here she was taking it almost willingly from Grissom. Brass had seen the huge difference that she had made in Grissom's life and he in hers. When they had finally gotten it together, Brass had seen it almost instantly, but stayed quiet as they had. Then this happened and destroyed them both. Now Sara had cried herself to sleep on his sofa and Brass was left wondering just what this meant in the long term for them. He shook off his own concerns and went to his room, locating the old rug that he had gotten years ago from Vietnam, laying it carefully on Sara. It was then that his foot bumped into a bottle and he felt his heart sink as he located a whiskey bottle that she had dropped when she had gone to sleep. Not only had the situation driven Sara and Gil apart, but it had driven her to drink once again.

When Sara woke up, she instantly regretted taking the bottle of Whiskey from Brass's stash. Her head pounded and she was sure that someone had been making her lick a carpet for hours the night before. She stumbled into the kitchen and poured herself a large glass of water, drinking another two before standing became an issue. She made her wake back onto the sofa, pulling the blanket over her head to try and block out what little sunlight there was. She felt like shit and it didn't help that she had broken her own promise to limit her drinking, to try and stay on the wagon that she had just so readily jumped off. It was there laying on the sofa going over the last few months that she sat up with a jolt, her head spinning into orbit. She quickly did a little mental math, trying to keep her stomach from falling as she glanced at the calendar that sat on Brass's wall. She ran her finger over the calendar, doing more mental calculations. Brass walked in just in time to see her sink to the floor, her face ashen.

"What's wrong Sara?"

"Things just got a whole lot harder"


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N - I don't know if this was the kind of ending that you all hoped for but it was ending that the story demanded. Phantom Planet has become one of my most popular stories and I want to thank you all for reading it. I'm glad that you enjoyed it... _

Chapter Four – In Fate's Hands

Sara Sidle was pregnant. She was going to be a mother. She had done what any rational woman would do, she had gone to the doctors and had her fears confirmed. She then proceeded to sit on the news, telling only Brass and even then swearing him to secrecy. She had to deal with this her way and her way consisted of sleeping on it and not telling Grissom until she was more then ready to. She would never have told Grissom at all if it had not been fro Brass. He had given her an ultimatum that if she never said anything, he would. And because Brass was the kind of guy that never backed down, she took him seriously. One of the things that held her back was fear. Fear of Grissom, fear of being a mother but most of all fear of being hurt again. She had healed somewhat since he had forced her to leave. She was doing her best to move on with her life but it was harder then she had ever expected it to be. The nights were by far the worst, long, lonely and depressing. She missed their conversations and their intimate touches. She did the best she could but life without Grissom was a half life at best. She didn't think that if he hurt her again, she would not heal at all.

Sara procrastinated for four months before she finally lifted the phone and rang his number and left a message. He had stopped answering the phone a long time ago but she knew he would get the message. So she headed to his house around lunch time, still trying to figure out what she was meant to say. When she arrived she collected the huge build up of mail, letting herself into the house with the spare key that he always housed under a pot plant by the front door. It was dark and still but she could see Gil sitting silently on the sofa, his beard long and unkempt, his face almost swallowed by the shadows.

"Hi Gil. How are you?"

"Fine. You?"

"Ok. I have some news for you"

"What?"

"I'm pregnant."

"You are?"

"Yep, six months along. I didn't even realize."

"And it's mine?"

"No, it's Jim's. Of course it's yours."

"Oh."

Sara stood and began to pull open the curtains, allowing the bright sun to invade the apartment. Grissom winced as it hit his face but otherwise he didn't move at all.

"I'm going to keep it. I wanted to tell you so that you could have a choice as to whether or not you wanted to be involved."

"I can't be involved, not like this,"

Sara knelt down in front of him, her hands resting on either side of his face. She could hardly recognize him anymore, his eyes had changed, they had become dark with self loathing.

"I still love you Gil. This is our chance to make this work. You need to move on with your life and this baby is the way to do it."

"I can't walk."

"Have you even tried? Have you gone to the physio sessions like you were meant to?"

"That is beside the point."

"No it's not. Since when have you been the kind of guy to listen to what others tell you? There is still a chance Gil and you need to take it."

"What if it fails? What if they were right and I can never walk again?"

"Then you won't walk. Is it really the end of the world Gil? There are worse things that you could lose."

"Like what?"

"Like me. I don't want you to lose me."

Grissom shook his head, pulling his face from her hands. He turned away from her to face the window, his voice low as he spoke.

"I already lost you Sara. Worse still, I've lost myself. You don't deserve to be stuck with someone like me."

Sara moved forward and took his hand in hers, tracing the skin on his knuckles. He had lost so much weight in the hospital and instead of gaining it back on return to his home and his life, he had continued to lose it. Maybe it was a way to punish himself, to have control over something in his life where he had lost control in every other aspect of it. Either way, Sara could trace almost every bone in his hand and she was certain that she would be able to do the same to the rest of his body. He needed to eat, to sleep and get his life back on track.

"All these months apart has taught me a thing or two Gil. You may not want me, but I'm here. Neither of us deserves this Gil but we have it."

He said nothing, just continued to look out of the window.

"You don't get it do you Gil? I chose you. I love you and I want to be with you, imperfections be damned. Please look at me Gil, tell me what is going on in that head of yours."

Gil turned to her slowly, his face pulled into a frown.

"I'm sorry that I put you through this Sara."

"I chose to do this Gil, to be with you and stand by you. There are other people that are there for you as well you know. Like your friends. You've pushed them all away Gil and they want to be here for you but you're not letting them."

"I don't know if I'm strong enough for this Sara."

"You are Gil and I'll be here for you regardless of how much you try to push me away. I've tried these last few months to live without you but it's not working. I need you and you need me."

Gil nodded and for the first time since the accident, he allowed himself to cry. He saw now what Jim had meant when he said he had too much to live for. He had a child on the way and he would do the best he could to make sure they he could walk before the baby was born. Sara sat silently beside him, her hand on his as he sobbed. He needed to cry. He sniffed and wiped his nose before looking at Sara with tear puffed eyes.

"Sara?"

"Yes?"

"How soon can you move back in?"

* * *

The next couple of months were all a matter of trial and error. Grissom went to physio up to three times a day, trying to rebuild the muscle that he had lost all those months ago. It was painful, hard and he wanted to give up. But every time he was tempted to give up, Sara was there, her belly growing more and more each day. He stopped pushing people away, allowing them to help him in the best way they could. They had ignored his apologies and continued with whatever favour that they were doing for him. They had stripped and painted the spare bedroom, turning it into a nursery for the parents to be. It was far from the happy ending that he had envisioned but it made him happy and that was all that really mattered. With the savings that he had collected over the last thirty years, as well as the money he had received from his insurance company, they could live comfortably even with a baby. And if push came to shove, he could still work, just behind a desk, not on the field. There were many things he could do, like returning to teaching, which he had not done in quite a while. Either way he looked at it, his life had changed hugely but if he examined it closely from every angle, it had not changed as much as he would have expected it too. He could still live this life, it would be hard, but he could do it.

One week before the baby was due, Grissom walked into his house for the first time on crutches. It was one of the proudest moments of his life; learning to walk again was something he thought he would never be able to do. An added bonus was the fact that he could get his catheter removed and he was in control of his own body again, and it felt fantastic. It had been a long time since he had slept with Sara in their bed, all too long and he had almost forgotten just what her touches felt like and how important that made him feel. Now she was back and he had trouble remembering why he had pushed her away in the first place. Sara kept her promise, remaining by his side, driving him to every session with his therapist and making sure he did his exercises when he arrived home at night. His out look on life had changed but it was to be expected with his increased independence and now he could see nothing bad in the way things were now. It would take a while but one day he would have his legs back and he would be able to run and play with his child. He was eagerly awaiting that day when he could do things on his own two feet.

Sara went into labour at the best place possible; the hospital. He was in the middle of his physio session when he caught Sara out of the corner of his eye, doubled over in pain. He grabbed his crutches and made it to her side.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"It's started Gil. The baby is on its way."

Gil could barely keep up with the nurses that rushed her away in a wheelchair but he was determined to see everything that mother nature had to offer. He held Sara's hand, wiped the sweat off her brow and after twenty-four hours of hard, horrible labour, their daughter was born. As Sara slept, he gently counted his baby daughters soft fingers and toes, making sure there were twenty in total. She had Sara's mouth, nose and soft sloping eyebrows but it was Grissom's blue eyes that peered out at him. She sucked her thumb, her forehead still wrinkled from birth, her eyes firmly closed again.

"So what do we call her?"

Grissom carefully wrapped the baby back in her blanket before tucking her back in the crib, pulling it closer to the bed.

"What about Cassandra Hope Grissom?"

"Cassandra Hope Grissom. I like it. Have you called the rest of the team yet? They'll be pretty pissed if they're not some of the first people to meet her."

"I wanted to let you two get some sleep. I'll call them now."

Sara watched him leave before turning her eyes to their unplanned daughter. She was genuinely a miracle and she had helped Grissom get his life back. She may have been a mistake but she had been the best mistake that Sara had ever made. She continued to watch Cassandra until Grissom reappeared in the room, his smile wide.

"If there are any car wreaks in the next few minutes, it'll be the team. Catherine screamed over the phone. I think the whole office knows about Cassandra now."

At the mention of her name, Cassandra began to cry and Sara picked her up and settled her on her chest, watching her as she began to feed. Grissom picked up a dog eared copy of a forensics journal and tried to give them some privacy. He would rather have watched but it was nice for Sara to have a small intimate moment with Cassandra, life would be more then busy enough once they got home, and this quiet little moment at the hospital was exactly what his two ladies needed. He was just contemplating going outside when the cavalry rolled into the room, arms loaded down with balloons, stuffed toys and fruit. Catherine all but dumped her stuff on the floor before rushing to Sara's side.

"Oh, she's beautiful. What have you named her?"

"Cassandra Hope Grissom."

"Well she certainly lived up to her name."

They all gathered around Sara, taking turns to touch Cassandra's tiny hands and face.

"She looks like Sara."

Greg, who was standing in the back of all the others, stood on his tip toe to make the comment.

"Do you want to hold her Greggo?"

"No it's ok. I don't really have a lot of experience when it comes to babies."

Catherine pulled him forward by his sleeve and carefully extracted the now sleeping Cassandra from Sara's arms.

"It's easy Greg. Hold your arms like mine and just remember to support her head."

Greg did as he was told and Catherine placed Cassandra in his arms. Greg bopped her gently, trying to stop her from waking up. Holding her was one thing but he certainly didn't want her screaming bloody murder should she wake up. Almost as if she knew what she was thinking, Cassandra chose that moment to wake up, her eyes locking onto Greg's. She gurgled up at him, her little arms hitting his chest.

"Catherine, Jim, can I talk to you for a moment while Greg's busy with Cassandra?"

They both nodded and followed Grissom out into the corridor, Catherine speaking first.

"What's up Gil?"

"Cassandra needs a godmother and a godfather and Sara and I would be honored if you could do that for us."

Catherine exchanged a look with Jim before turning back to Grissom.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. You are my two oldest friends and Cassandra needs to have someone in her life she can talk to when she can't come to Sara and I. Not only that, but if something should happen to Sara and I, I want her to be with people that we trust."

Jim stepped forward, holding out his hand, dropping it just as quickly, pulling Grissom into a hug.

"I would be honored."

Catherine pulled him into a hug as soon as Brass had pulled away, her eyes teary.

"Thank you Gil. We'll take good care of her."

"I know you will. She has plenty of uncles in there so you need to be a pretty exceptional aunt."

"I will spoil her rotten, I promise."

Grissom nodded as he smiled at them.

"That's what I wanted to hear."

"Oh and before I forget, Lindsey has offered her babysitting services for when Cassandra is a little older."

"Great. Now all I need to do is work on convincing Sara that it is a good idea."

"It is believe me. You have no idea how good it is to get out of the house and have a normal adult conversation every once and awhile."

Grissom laughed and they made their way back into the room. He caught Sara's eyes, giving her a slight nod; she knew what he was asking them, it was her idea after all. They could relax now that if something did indeed happen to them, Cassandra would have an incredible support system to help her out. She was going to be a well loved little baby.

"I think Greg is in love."

Grissom followed Sara's finger. Greg had managed to get himself in a seat and he was talking quietly to Cassandra about the complexities of DNA. To her credit, Cassandra was still awake, gurgling encouragingly at her new uncle. Grissom stood back and watched them all fuss over Sara, something that she deserved. This had been hard on him but it had been harder on her. She had stood by him with nothing to keep her going, there was no obligation for her to stay but she did anyway. How in the world did he end up with such an incredible woman in his life? How could have even considered giving her up because he felt that she deserved better? He needed her and he was never going to let her forget that, nor would he ever let her forget just how much he loved and appreciated her. Cassandra was the one that had finally brought them back together and he would make sure that she realized that. Cassandra was more of a blessing that she would ever realize.

"Sara?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to marry me?"

Sara looked over at him, her eyes narrowed.

"Did you just ask me to marry you?"

"Yes"

"I thought so."

The rest of the team watched with rapt attention, all eyes on the new parents.

"Sara, are you going to say yes?"

"I just went through twenty-four hours of labour, I look like shit and you want to marry me?"

"I have never seen you look more beautiful. I've been meaning to ask you for a while now but when this accident happened, the idea became consumed by something else. I love you Sara and I want to be with you forever. Marry me."

"Are you sure? I don't want you to be carried away by this whole Cassandra birth thing."

"I want to marry you because I love you and because I want us to be a family, a proper one."

"Ok. I'll marry you."

When the rest of the team applauded, Sara was surprised. She had completely forgotten they were even in the room. She watched as Grissom made his way over to her beside and slipped a silver ring on her finger, one with a square cut diamond. It was small but it suited Sara to a tee. Small and understated was her style and that's exactly what the ring was. Grissom pressed a lingering kiss on her lips before taking his seat again in the corner of the room. He picked up his magazine again but his attention was lost. All he could think about was the ring on Sara's finger and his new baby daughter that sat happily against Greg's chest. Catherine had told him more then once that parenting changes you but until now he never saw it. He had watched Cassandra grow in Sara and now that she was here, he would do anything for her. Parenting did indeed change you, only it was in the best way possible. Gone was his self pity, replaced with an unadulterated happiness that could only come from being this complete.

* * *

_Six Months Later………_

Grissom had not slept for a week. He was far too excited to do something as silly and pointless as sleeping. Today was the day that he was going to marry Sara. Upon insistence from Catherine, Sara had moved out of the house and into Brass's apartment again for a week and Grissom was more then ready to see her and to have her back in the house. Cassandra had gone with her and Grissom missed his two favorite ladies desperately. He also had a huge surprise for Sara and the rest of the team, bar Nick who was the only one who he had let in on the secret. He took a hot shower and then pottered around the house for a little while, waiting for Nick and Warrick to show up so that they could go to the church and get changed for the ceremony. Catherine had done all the organizing, insisting that the new family spent time together rather then bother with wedding plans. So Grissom had taken a back seat and just followed the instructions handed down from the boss. The only thing that he had a say in was the suits that he had selected for himself and his two best men.

"Yo Grissom, you ready to go?"

Grissom nodded and gathered what he needed and headed out the door, nothing but a bundle of nerves and excitement.

Sara was busy playing with Cassandra when Catherine came in to help her get changed. Going against tradition, Sara had dismissed the normal white dress and gone for a blood red that showed off all of her post-pregnancy curves and made her hair appear a richer brown. Catherine, being the brides maid and general boss of the whole set up, had settled on a dress that was two shades lighter then Sara's and little Cassandra's was the same colour as Catherine's. The day progressed faster and faster until Brass knocked on the door dressed in a smart suit with a tie that matched Sara's dress.

"Ready to go? All the guests are here."

Sara picked Cassandra up and hoisted her onto her hip, nuzzling her soft neck. She followed Brass out and handed Cassandra to Catherine who started the walk up the aisle to where Nick, Warrick and Grissom were standing. Sara hooked her arm through Brass's and gave him a wide smile.

"Let's go"

The ceremony was brief and after the priest presented them as man and wife, Grissom held out his hands to gain silence from the small crowd of people.

"Thank you for coming. As you know it has taken Sara and I a long time to get to this point. Which is why I have a surprise for you all."

Sara stood back watching as Grissom dropped one crutch and then the other, standing on his own two feet. He then took Sara's hand and began to walk back down the aisle. The applause was deafening and Sara stayed quiet until they were out of the church and able to have moment to themselves.

"What was that? How long have you been able to walk by yourself?"

"Two weeks. I keep it quiet though, I wanted to surprise you."

Grissom hopped on one foot them the other, a wide grin on his face. Sara pulled him into a hug, kissing him on the neck.

"I'm so proud of you. I told you that you could do it."

Grissom pulled back and brushed the side of her face with his hand.

"It was because of you, you know that right? I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you forever."

"Well now you can't get rid of me. I can't believe you kept this all a secret."

"Nick knew. He was the one driving me to all my sessions."

"So that was what all those drives were about. And why you insisted I stop taking you, telling me to spend time with Cassie."

"Correct. Oh and before I forget, I booked our honeymoon"

"What about Cassie?"

"Catherine has offered to take her for a week."

"Where are we going?"

"Hawaii. I like the idea of seeing you drunk and in a bikini for a week."

Sara laughed.

"You just want to take advantage of me Mr. Grissom."

"Yes, that was all part of my evil plan Mrs. Grissom. You will be my hostage for an entire week."

Catherine came out at that point, Cassandra still perched on her hip, tugging at her hair.

"Grissom, what the hell was that? You can walk now?"

"Yup. No more crutches, no more wheel chair and no more catheter. Everything is back to normal."

Catherine leaned forward and gave Grissom a quick hug.

"I'm glad things are back to normal, we thought we had lost you for a while there. So did you tell Sara about the honeymoon?"

"Yes he did. Are you sure you don't mind taking Cassie for a week? She can be a handful."

"I know but we get on fine don't we Cassie?"

Cassandra grinned and continued tugging Catherine's hair making the woman wince. Sara took her from Catherine and handed her to Grissom. He didn't have any real hair that she could pull. Cassie, her face pulled into a sulky frown at the lack of hair, settled for pulling her father's nose.

"What is it with you and pulling things young lady?"

Cassie gurgled and kept pulling, making Grissom's eyes tear. Sara kissed Cassie on her fat, round cheek, inhaling the sweet baby smell that she was quickly out growing. She had gotten so big in such a short amount of time that it stunned Sara. She was crawling and beginning to walk, grabbing things that had been previously out of her reach. They had had a few close calls, like when she grabbed the jug cord or had managed to get into the cupboard that stored their cleaning products. She had come out unharmed but it made Sara super protective, going on a mini mission to ensure that all the cupboards had child proof locks on them. Which was why, as excited as she was at the prospect of a week with Grissom, it would be the first time she had been away from Cassie for such a long period of time. The longest she had gone without seeing Cassie was two days and that was because she had gotten sick and had insisted that Catherine take her so that she wouldn't get sick as well. But a week? That was a different story altogether. Sara shook herself from her thoughts when Catherine put a hand on her shoulder.

"It'll be fine Sara. You and Grissom need a break and Lindsey will be there to help me. Plus keeping Nick, Brass, Greg and Warrick away from this little princess is going to be a hard enough job without having to worry about you."

"Promise that you'll email me."

Catherine placed a hand over her heart, her face solemn.

"I swear to email you, everyday if need be. Now I'm terribly jealous about the trip to Hawaii so I'm going to go and drown my sorrows in a few glasses of wine. Do you want me to take Cassie and give her something to eat?"

Grissom handed Cassie back to Catherine, who instantly resumed her hair pulling.

"Thanks Cath."

They watched them walk away before Sara turned back to Grissom.

"I need to go home and pack."

"Already done."

"Really, what did you pack for me?"

"Two bikinis and a large bottle of sunscreen."

Sara laughed and kissed him. She was the happiest she had been in a long time.

"You are luck you are my husband, anyone else would have gotten a foot in the shin. I still think you're trying to take advantage of me."

"Oh but I am. My evil plan is working beautifully. Now, let's go and get something to eat. Our flight is in twelve hours and I want to spend time with our friends before we go. Ready Mrs. Grissom?"

"Ready"

Sara hooked her arm through his offered one and they walked arm and arm back into the church and into a whole new beginning for them both.


End file.
